Exclusion. Inclusion. Equity. Freedom.

How can we distinguish these precious needs, while meeting them in our communities, large and small?   Those of us who are trying to navigate this question are struggling to feel confident in some of the choices we are facing.  I believe it is because the answer is elusive at this point.  Not accessible to us just yet.  The time for answers isn’t now.  Where we are on this journey is in asking the questions, and being pioneers in learning how to hold space for all as we endeavor to answer them.  Our job in this moment of time is to learn how to communicate with each other with great skill, compassion, curiosity and care.  This is what it will take to begin to change the circles and systems we find ourselves in, and let go of the rush to come up with the exact answers that we all long for. 

Deep listening is essential.  Being responsible for our own experience.  Finding courage and speaking up.  Holding space for what the other is saying.  Dropping into the needs so the emergent new systems will provide containers for those needs to be met.

I was inspired to write about this because a dear friend who is in leadership in a growing community nearby shared with me one of the more challenging conversations they are having.  They consider themselves inclusive, which is an important core value in the culture they are wanting to create and nurture.  They are right now developing their workshop schedule for the season; fielding applications from those in their community who want to facilitate.  One group wants to offer a workshop based in deep feminine –a woman’s workshop so-to-speak.  Women-only.  The question arose about who and what labels are welcome.  What’s happening, as I understand it, is some want to change the very nature of what was originally being offered, because it isn’t ‘fair’ to those who consider themselves a woman, who may not share the same biological history or capacities of those who developed the workshop. 

Can this community of deeply caring and sensitive folks be both inclusive as a community and offer workshops that exclude some?  What about men’s workshops?  What about art workshops for kids? 

They are desperate to answer the question so that everyone feels good now.  My guess is that it will be difficult.  Maybe we all must sit in the questions and discomfort for a bit, offering each other the grace and consideration and care required of us, for wanting to be able to have a culture that serves all, while likely impossible.

Let’s hone our empathy skills.  Let’s learn how to be present to another’s distress, so we can understand them deeply, finding kinship in our distress and longing.  Let’s drop the urgency and pressure we feel to fix the pain of our friends, and just hold space.

Those of us who want to change the culture must become as creative as we can in offering strategies that meet most needs.  Whether you are in a community that offers workshops, or just walking in the world and bearing witness to all the individuals who are struggling.

In a culture that seems very adept at ‘othering’ for the purpose of making wrong or punishing, or labeling bad in some way, is there room for wanting to gather with those who are completely aligned with who I am and share reality as I do?  It looks like exclusion, yet offers like-minded folks an opportunity for respite, joy, laughter.  Is there a way for me to feel the comfort of gathering with those of my ‘group’, maybe religious or those who I grew up with, or simply those I share the same reality with (those folks with whom I am in agreement about a particular topic) without being seen as an enemy by those who are other than me in that very particular way?

Can we exclude in a container of respect and care? 

When we realize true equity in our culture, I believe absolutely yes to this!

Right now, there are so many groups or sectors of people who are finding a bit of strength and space to speak up and begin to take the power they really never had back into their lives.  It’s an important time, and making space for that energy from those of us who have enjoyed more privilege and opportunity in the world is essential.  Personally, to witness this and support the shifts that are happening now is one of the roles I gladly accept.  My skills in offering and teaching about empathy, communication and care will be useful as we continue to navigate the shifts I hope to see.

Distinguishing and accepting the difference between taking power back and enjoying equity is vital.  One of the differences I see in the long run when our culture benefits from true equity, is that all groups, and individuals will have their needs met.  When this occurs, the need for inclusion ‘everywhere’ will be less important because everyone’s value and contributions to our world will be celebrated.

Here's an example that I am experiencing right now.  I just saw an invitation to an event called Healing Through the Land.  I totally wanted to join in, and when I read further, I saw the subtitle:  Radical acts of self-care for Philadelphia Women of Color.  I am not in that group.  Disappointed that I am not welcome or invited, yet super celebratory that this is happening.  This to me is a group that is honoring their struggles and healing together.  It isn’t about excluding me, it is about acknowledging a shared reality that is not mine.  Perhaps there is a freedom they will have in what they say and how they say it because they all understand each other in ways that I can not.   

It is easy for me to say yes, because I care about this and there are many ways for me to meet my needs of ‘Healing Through the Land’. 

My hope is that if I know folks joining in this particular event, that they might share with me what they did and what it was like. 

I think it is a different story if I didn’t have any other options.  If my needs haven’t been met for years and years —decades, and I was still not welcome.  I might struggle quite a bit accepting that I was othered and unwelcome once again.  Power and equity are different, and when we can understand this more deeply, it might be easier for us to navigate what feelings and thoughts might arise as we choose to include and/or exclude others in our lives. 

Can these needs all be met as we dive deeply into more understanding of how to care for the other equal to caring for ourselves.  Can we use the work of Marshall Rosenberg and communication skills to help us drop out of fault-finding, finger-pointing and blame and into interest, curiosity and care to navigate what new systems will emerge that serve us all?

It is one of my deepest prayers.