Cling Less ~ Love More

I was inspired by a blog with this title, written by Rick Hanson.  When I saw it, Steve’s and my origin story popped into my head.  I think it will be obvious why as you read a bit further.  Cling Less ~ Love More with respect to how you address relationships —particularly in partner relationships, yet relevant to all types of relationships.

When I met Steve I think I clinged a good deal.  I clinged in a way that felt clingy to both of us.  It showed up in me setting conditions in which we would relate and trying to convince him to behave in the way I set up.  Back then I didn’t have the benefit of knowing what needs were so I came up with rules.  Rules based on labels.  Labels like boyfriend/girlfriend.

I had rules for who he should or shouldn’t talk to.  I had rules for how often he should call me.  I had rules for when he should fall asleep (I didn’t like it if he fell asleep when talking on the phone at night).  To be honest, I can’t remember them all, yet I think I had a bunch more.  For the sake of an accurate accounting of our history, Steve had plenty of rules for me, it just never seemed that way.  It wasn’t until years later when we were able to deeply reflect on our past that this was revealed and acknowledged.

Rules are funny, because usually they are kind of random.  They are based on ideas (a bunch of shoulds) likely steeped in cultural norms, or beliefs we grew up with.  Not so deeply steeped in important needs which are the touchstones of life.

I remember at the time it was like I had a box labeled boyfriend and demanded that he get in it.  I was upset often and so was he.  Our discussions at that time weren’t much referencing internal experiences I was longing for.  I just thought he was doing it wrong.  He clearly thought I was the one who was creating all the tension and drama.  I really, really liked Steve and what he was up to in the world. I am also a bonder —meaning I keep friendships for life.  He tended to end things when they got hard.  I was all in and was absolutely all about being together.  Those first few years, clearly, I seemed clingy.  I was committed to him.  I wanted him to commit to me.  augh.

Many workshops and counseling sessions later – the work of Marshall Rosenberg —Nonviolent Communication (NVC) came to us and I was instantly bought in.  Steve was as well.

All of a sudden, I had an entirely new perspective and skill set through which to contextualize our relationship.  NEEDS!

While in the beginning, needs were quite challenging for me to understand and use in a sentence, my commitment to using them as the touchstones of resolving conflict was immutable.  If I couldn’t figure it out, I would wait until the needs popped in to talk something over.  I was committed to following the process, so my dialogues with Steve shifted from complaints and blame to making requests based on needs.

Suffice it to say, I heard things from Steve that I was longing to hear for years. 

Our relationship slowly and surely transformed.  As we unpacked all the distress we had and navigated moving forward, following the NVC structure allowed us to come from a place of curiosity and interest in knowing each other’s needs.  All the rules I had in place became requests in order to meet needs and were up for negotiation so that his needs were met as well.  Knowing that was the game we were playing together, I felt confident in our agreements.  I became less and less afraid that he didn’t care about me.  He became less and less afraid that I didn’t care about him.

No longer was I inviting him to commit to me (clingy).  I was inviting him to create an experience of partnership together.  It all seemed like love.

 This might sound all rosy and romantic.  And yes, maybe now I might describe it that way.  Back then, it was all new.  We were making relationship agreements every four months —with the seasons.  We talked a good deal negotiating needs regularly.  Yet, somehow it all was very connecting (in contrast with talking a good deal leaving us both exhausted).  We talked more about things that mattered, rather than argue about breaking some sort of rule.  It made all the difference.

Steve and I have a long distance relationship.  When we are together in one place, we like to spend our time together.  Almost every minute.  It might look clingy now from the outside, especially to the friends who want to spend time with us.  My joke is that I follow him around like a baby duck.  Now though, how we spend time together is a choice we make together meeting needs of companionship, pleasure, fun and shared reality.

I no longer actually cling.  I am confident that every moment Steve spends attending to me and spending time with me is by his own choice.  He makes those choices knowing what needs of his are met by being in a relationship with me. 

It is not lost on me that the more freedom I/we weave into our relationship (meaning no particular agreements to stay together because we should), I am completely confident that we will always be together.  Well, relatively confident.  Very confident. 

Now, instead of spending my time trying to make sure he stays, I get to appreciate every moment we spend together, pretty sure he is as well!!

This is what I would describe as Clinging Less and Loving More.