Before You Say It...

Everything we say and do is an attempt to meet a need.  This is the foundation of the work and practice of Nonviolent Communication. 

Bringing in this understanding and holding it in your awareness in every moment can transform any relationship.  It requires mindfulness and slowing conversations down quite a bit.  Possibly more than is comfortable.

It takes embracing the idea of needs being the underlying root cause of how you feel –rather than the other person’s actions.  It requires trusting that your relationships will shift when your needs are met, rather than being attached to the ‘thing you want’ (strategy). 

Once you are living into this understanding, then you can begin the work of remembering when you are in distress.  Taking a breath so that you might interrupt your automatic reaction to something someone did or said works magic for beginning to connect to your needs before responding.

In these moments of pause, take out the needs sheet or the needs cards, or even the self-empathy worksheet.  Yes, please take the time to do this.  It isn’t cheating and it is essential for interrupting your habit.

Pick 1 to 3 needs and just sit with them for a bit of time.  The more comfortable you are and steeping in the energy of the needs as met, the more calm you will feel.  From this place, consider all the things you might say or ask for that you think will meet your needs.  Or at least create a short list.  Bonus points if you are able to consider the needs of the other as well.

Remember your options:  You can ask the other person for something, even if it is just empathy, or to listen to your distress.  Or simply to ask what their intentions were when they said or did the thing you didn’t like.  These are called connection requests and are fabulous strategies to find connection –as the name implies.  You can ask yourself to do something (change your beliefs about something as an example).  You can invite others to do things that will meet the needs –asking for empathy, or shared reality as examples.  Don’t forget the strategy of making an offer –even to meet your own needs.  Perhaps you want mutual understanding.  You can ask the other person to listen to you, AND you could also offer to listen to them, and step in to mutual understanding as well.

There is another scenario in which heeding this encouragement to slow down, and consider the needs before you say something.  There is no distress, no argument.  You are simply in conversation or even greeting someone.  Maybe you live in the city and you have made your way out to the suburbs to spend some time with a friend.  And, on your drive out there you hit a good deal of traffic.  Or you are meeting at a coffee shop and there is only Starbucks (no locally owned café to be seen anywhere).  When you meet your friend what do you begin with?  Do you share your ‘how can you live in the suburbs?’ story?   

Or say it’s the other way around.  You are a suburbanite and you have agreed to drive into the city for a visit and it took 10 minutes to find a parking spot.  Or –if the visit in Philadelphia, you had to navigate 2-6 road closures due to construction.  When you walk in the door of your friend, what do you say?  Do you greet them with joy, or do you meet them with your ‘why you hate the city story’?

Before you say these things, take a pause.  Consider what needs it meets to share the ’I don’t like where you live’ story.  And consider the cost.  How do you think your friends will feel when you tell them you don’t like their home.  Do you think they will feel happy?  Are you adding to the quality of their life?  Does that matter to you?

Lastly –this might be more accurately labeled ‘Before you Think It’.  Let’s apply this to what you are saying to yourself.  Are your thoughts bringing you more calm, more joy, peace, acceptance, pleasure, love and the like?  One of the most transformative questions anyone asked me was, “Are you willing to meet your needs by how/what you think?’ The coach I was working with at the time witnessed me over and over thinking and believing things that not only weren’t true, they were not serving me (or my relationship).  I was able to instantly see what I had been doing and was freed of a great deal of pain.  This information sheet on the Three Areas of Attention will help you understand our source of suffering.  Now do I not only manage what I say to myself, I also manage what others say to me.  The depreciating jokes –even when truly in jest, are no longer something I am willing to engage in.  I realized that I actually didn’t think it was funny, just painful.

There are so many examples of Before You Say It.  Quite frankly, it’s every moment of every day.  Before you say something, imagine the impact of your words on the other person.  Is the impact in alignment with your values?    If you are clear about bringing something up even though you know it will be difficult for the other person to hear, then before you say it, choose the time, the place and the words you say with care for your own needs and the other’s as well. 

This is blog reminds me of the quote I used to have on the back of my biz cards:  Before you speak, ask yourself:  Is it kind?  Is it true?  Is it necessary?  Does it improve upon the silence?   ~Shirdi Sai Baba. 

In hindsight, I could have just as well posted this.  Hopefully the details help.

[FINAL NOTE:  There are situations in which you actually don’t care about the other person’s needs, which is a real thing as well.  Not part of this story.]