What's the Upside?

You might think this is a blog on finding the upside of the corona virus lockdown that we are experiencing.  Well it isn’t.  

It is the beginning of the story, yes.  But it’s not  the point.

It is about what I always write about.  How effective are you at being your own champion for getting your needs met?

It seems even more important to have the capacity to notice and celebrate the ‘upside to things’ when whatever is happening is exceptionally distressing.  And…whether it is being in the midst of global hysteria and seeming threat of imminent physical danger/death either for yourself or people you care about, or if you just got a ticket, or if your partner did something awful, this skill is essential for your well-being.  

Call it a gratitude practice, call it optimism, call it quantum physics, (the science behind how you create your world by what you think), or call it crazy, it seems to me to be the very best way to forge a life filled with inner peace and loving relationships.

I ventured to various markets a few times this week —during the coronavirus scare (for history’s sake).  My first trip out I arrived at an intersection that has three prongs and no lights, and ample pedestrians.  Typically, it takes some time to assess safety, whether walking or in the car.  This time, I sat there waiting for cars, or people, when it dawned on me that there were literally no other people near this intersection.  No cars, no people.  I could just go.  No worries.  My thought was, “Oh, this is an upside of all the stores and shops being closed.”  [I was also aware of feeling pretty concerned, curious and a bit sad wondering how the people I knew who have been impacted by their storefronts being closed].  Let’s keep our attention on the upside.  

The second trip offered me a similar experience.  I was able to drive the most direct way back from the Acme, which I never attempt in regular life because it takes way too long to cross Girard Avenue.  I found myself thinking, ‘ooh…so good!’

Even before that I found myself feeling excited when beginning and finishing projects around the house.  Finding my life running at a pace that felt better then the previous weeks.  I would have chosen work projects/preparation over burying logs in my raised beds in my garden and as various jobs went away due to social distancing mandate, I buried the logs.  This is a gift that will keep on giving for two years.  I felt and still do feel so good having accomplished that task.  It is an upside.

The same applies to all the distressing things that happen in your life.

If you and your partner are arguing enough that you seek counsel, are you able to have gratitude that your partner cares enough to spend time and resources to figure out the relationship?  Are you able to have gratitude for your life, for your hair, for the fact that you have clothes, that you have food that day?  Even if you are arguing with your partner? 

If you are rolling your eyes right now, I invite you to explore why you are so attached to focusing on what’s not working.   Chances are you don’t actually know —you just have a feeling or a thought that it is the better, maybe even safer thing to do.  When I read ‘please don’t tell me of your silver linings’,  I wonder why do you insist?  All of a sudden, what’s important to me is no longer a concern of yours?  I am required to listen to your dark stories, as if they are truer than mine?  Why are you allowed (somehow with some sense of righteousness?) to speak out, yet I am not?

There is a reason. —An explanation based on evolutionary psychology. Our impulse, insistence, our unchosen proclivity to noticing what is wrong, getting scared and taking action is natural. It has been a survival mechanism for tens of thousands of years. It is wired into us to react this way.  [ask me about the negativity bias please].

Of course things happen outside of us that we have little or no control over.  You might not be delighted with what is happening.  You might even feel furious, disappointed or feeling despair.  And at the very same time, whether you want to notice it or not, and whether you want to acknowledge them or not, there are more things in your life that you do like, that you could acknowledge, and even be grateful for.  

I would like to emphasize these few things:
1.  I am not suggesting the ‘bad things’ aren’t happening.
2.  I am not suggesting that you don’t feel fully and deeply.
3.  I am suggesting that there are many ‘good things’ happening along side them.
4.  I am suggesting that where you focus your attention determines how you feel in each moment —and that is completely up to you.
5.  I am suggesting that while your body is in a stress state, there are biological impacts, to yourself and others.  One is that your immune system is turned down, so that you have more energy to run from the danger. Another is that creative thinking is reduced.  So if you are looking for solutions dangers that you can not run from (fight or flight), finding calm is the best thing you can to help yourself.  And a third impact is that people around you will also become distressed. Again, as humans, we are wired to do this to/with each other. It is more challenging for them to find calm if you are in distress. If you really are concerned, then this practice also serves those you care about.

Seeing the upside, finding gratitude in every breath you take.  This is a learnable skill that you can practice.  If you don’t do it because it is pleasant, which it is, do it because it might just save your life.

Might I die in one or two weeks?  It is possible, yet unlikely.  I have lost enough people in my life in ways that have been sudden and surprising to know that my life will end when it does.  Because I know it is possible, I live every moment as if whatever I am doing might be the last thing I do and whatever I say just might be the last thing I say.  The corona virus is just another reminder.

If I am going to have a few minutes or days left, I definitely want to be enjoying them. 

How about you?