What You Don't Know
These past two years have been fraught with drama, fear, the unknown, separation, and isolation. The impact of living immersed in this global energy has taken its toll on us humans. Trying to relate in these conditions and limitations has been trying at best and devastating for some.
As I have written about over and over, the loss of our capacity to communicate with interest, care and curiosity is one of the few things that I personally have been despairing about the most.
Beyond polarizing views about world events, we still have our lives, like we always have. We each experience things we are excited about and things that have been uniquely challenging.
Because we have lost our connection with many of our loved ones because of political-ish views, some folks have lost their support team, their tribe. People with whom they considered their go-to people are no longer available to them.
Some people are happy to accept this loss, some even the ones inviting the disconnection —meaning people have decided ‘they will no longer talk to someone because…’. It seems more common than I have ever previously witnessed. If this is you —that it is okay to lose people because they don’t agree with you on some important topics, of course there might be very good reasons to choose that. And…I invite you to consider what you don’t know. Really consider it.
I often play an Authentic Relating Game called What I Don’t Know About You. We pair up randomly, and one person lists all the things they don’t know about the person they are paired with. Whether I am paired with someone I know for 40 years, or someone I’ve never met, I find there is practically (probably literally) limitless things I don’t know about the other person. In the game you can play with the person telling more about themselves, and it isn’t required. For me the interesting aspect is acknowledging how much I don’t know —especially with someone I would say that I know very well.
Outside the game, in the current culture of making others wrong, I invite you to consider what you don’t know about anybody and everybody. Whether it is the person being ‘outed’ on facebook for kicking a pumpkin or stealing a doorstep package, to your closest person making choices you don’t understand, I invite you to consider what you don’t know about them. Especially if you are in the habit of labeling them one thing or another. They are this, or that.
These area tender times. I talk with quite a few people over the course of a week and people are struggling. In my personal life, whether in my friend circles, client circles, family circles, neighbor circles, or colleague circles, these are some of the things people are navigating in their lives today:
~The person fleeing their country for their personal safety.
~The person with so much anxiety they literally can no longer answer their phone without suffering.
~The person whose email no longer works, and has been off and on working, not working, having very limited resources to figure it out, yet depending on it for their financial security.
~The person who is deciding how to fix a roof when they have no idea who to trust or what will work (is this one me?.
~The person who is navigating another yet break up at age 40 who has always wanted to have kids.
~The person who is waiting to have a biopsy diagnosed.
~The person whose child is struggling and isn’t able to leave the house for fear something bad will happen.
~The person who is been in significant pain, and the doctor’s appointment they have waited 1.5 months for was cancelled by the doctor (for the second time).
~The parents whose grown children are not willing to visit them because of their concern for the parents’ health (even though the parents are happy to take the risk) —its been 2 years.
~The person who is having a baby and can only have one person visit them in hospital. Not one at a time, total. The same person isn’t going to have a group of women helping her because of the various fears that corona virus is bringing to her family/friend group.
~The person who can no longer afford their rent and is in the position of figuring out where to go.
~The person whose business was devastated by tornadoes —in a place where there are never tornadoes.
~The person whose adult children will no longer speak to him because he found a new life partner (they didn’t approve of) one year after his wife passed. This, following 10+ years of caring for her while she suffered dementia.
I could continue this list, and it isn’t necessary. This is just the people I know. I can only imagine what is happening in the lives of all the people I don’t know. Most of the people I know have access to resources that buoys them up to some degree.
What about those who really just don’t have access to resources? Whose situations are far worse, or are approaching life/death in some way?
All of the people are continuing on in daily life. Offering smiles, getting coffee, driving around, shopping. Holding a good deal of pain in their hearts. Yet with less ease and generosity of spirit than we might like.
Perhaps they ‘ignore’ us, or take our parking spot (accidentally?) cut us off in traffic, begging on the street for money, or throw trash in your flower box.
Is your response one of rage, or name calling, or labeling —adding more stress to the situation —your life and the other person’s? This is an invitation to find your curiosity before we find your judgements. This is an invitation to decide who we want to be when this person crosses our path.
As we begin a new year perhaps you will consider what is consistent with your values?
One more reminder.
I’m guessing you have your own stressors in life. Can you find this kind of compassion for yourself as well? Every minute is an opportunity to make another choice. If you do find yourself at your wits end, and are not interested or curious and you do yell at someone or act in some way that you eventually regret, I would like to think that you will reach out and let them know what they don’t know about you.
And ask for tenderness and kindness as well.