What to Say When There's Nothing to Say

As time moves forward, and we continue to be in our homes, and almost nowhere else, some people I check in with are finding that they don’t have anything to say.  It seems like they are doing the same things over and over, some without work, some with work, yet a sense of restlessness, boredom, malaise is setting in.  People are losing enthusiasm.   Friends and neighbors and clients are sharing that even if they have work, they don’t seem to want to do it.  Getting dressed into something they haven’t slept in seems like a bit too much energy to expend since..well, why bother?

This isn’t going to be about what to do about this.  I want to share about how to communicate with each other when there really is nothing to say.

I have a great deal of compassion for those descending into this energetic downward spiral.  When days are all the same, time seems slower and faster, nothing new is happening and you are failing to see what you could possibly say that would be interesting.

For most of us, these days and weeks have been hard.  Challenging in some or many ways.  Times like these call for our ninja skills.   It is these times —the difficult ones, that we have been practicing for!  All the classes and practice groups and handouts where you are invited to consider the difference between observations, feelings, thoughts, assessments and where suffering lives…THIS is the time to use these skills!  Like the young tennis players who finally qualify for Wimbledon.  They have been practicing and practicing.  So they can come through when it means something. 

This is the time to remember what you have been taught.  When it isn’t easy.

Your first task right now is to remember to differentiate between what is happening (observations) and the thoughts you are having about what is happening.  This is what people mean when they talk about mindfulness.  Slowing things down and remembering what is actually true.  If you don’t believe your thoughts as the truth, rather they are the meaning you make of what you see and hear, then you might find more freedom to share with your friends what is happening for you.

Here is a list of things you might talk about when there is nothing to talk about:

1.  Talk about this itself.  Share with your friend what’s happening for you.   Then maybe share how you feeling about what’s happening for you.  These are very different things.  Are you afraid that it will last forever, or that the person will stop calling if you have nothing to say?  Are you concerned with what people might think if you are not your perky self?  You might ask them if they are having similar experiences?  Dive into an exploration of what is the same and what is different?

2.  Talk about things you wish were happening.  I am dreaming of…and make up stories.

3.  Have a conversation with someone who is having a wildly different experience than you.  This might be more listening than talking.

4.  Have conversations with people who might be really struggling.  Perhaps they lost someone to virus-related circumstances.  Off them a opportunity to just talk.  Perhaps you know someone who is working in a hospital and is navigating a new world that is significantly challenging for them.  Maybe they are working and they wish they weren’t.  Have a conversation with them.  Possibly you will be finding gratitude for your situation, although that isn’t the point, it would be a lovely additional outcome.

5.  Start to talk about things you are or have been inspired by.  Possibly you will read a book together.  Either in person, or on the phone/zoom. You could make agreements with a few friends for your check ins to include a poem, or quote, or short story that you love.

6. Gratitude practice.  Okay, yes.  I do bring this up often, don’t I?  Steve and I on a call a few days ago, did an alphabetic gratitude list.  In this case we switched, meaning I had A, he had B, I had C, and so on.  You can agree that you both do all letters.  Get creative.  This practice for us, in this case, had us remembering things we did together, or some things that happened recently that maybe we forgot to share with each other. 

7.  If you are talking to me, I find that I have almost endless capacity to talk about tennis, gardens, home design, white dishes and nonviolent communication.  What do you have endless interest in?  Talk about that.

8.  For all you couples who have said to me over and over, we just don’t have time to implement the practices that we do in sessions together.  Well???  Do it now!!!  Please!  I didn’t believe you then.  I certainly think now would be a magnificent opportunity to make an agreement.  Possibly something like, for the duration of our lockdown, we will spend ½ hour per day (3.5 hours per week), practicing our connection practices.  [NOTE:  If you don’t remember what they are, please reach out to me, I will remind you.  Or read the notes that I might have sent to you after the sessions.]

9.  How about calling the friend who ‘never lets you get a word in edgewise’?  Give yourself a break for coming up with something to say.  Call them and take the pressure off.  

10.  Find someone new to talk with.  I have found, even with social distancing, if I happen to run into a neighbor or someone in the neighborhood, or in line at the market, (some) people seem to be friendlier.  Perhaps they are looking for something interesting to focus on as well?  Strike up a conversation with a person you don’t know and see what’s happening in their life.  

My list ends at 10 suggestions.  If none of these ideas appeal to you, reach out and ask for something else.  I am fairly certain I could come up with something.

Remember this is not a list of things to do to get you out of your boredom and apathy.  This is a support for how to communicate even when you are bored and apathetic.  

Stay connected!!