Looking for Honesty in Your Relationships?

Most people say they value honesty in a relationship.  It seems like a no-brainer.  Of course we want honesty.  Yet true and consistent honesty remains elusive to many. 

There are many reasons for that.  

Likely when you were young honesty, while probably suggested by your caretakers was important, but when it came down to it, your honest responses may have not been so well received by the very people who were suggesting that you ‘should be honest’.  This is quite confusing to a developing mind, so tracking on what another person wants to hear rather than honesty may have been the actual message you received growing up.  Re-wiring that strategy and trusting that honesty is something you can actually enjoy in your close relationship takes a bit of understanding, mindfulness and a willingness to do it differently with the people in your life now.

It is a practice and requires practice. 

The first question, given how confusing the messages you likely received when you were young is what do you think honesty actually means. 

While honesty sounds like a great thing to want in relationships, I invite you to consider the nuances of what this means and the thought it requires to navigate honesty in your relationships.  What do you mean when you say you are committed to honesty in your relationships?  Does it mean you say every-single-thing you think or have done?  Do you have the skills, resources, and interest in hearing someone else’s truth, no matter what they say?  Are you willing to show up and share your own truth, no matter what?  Should you?  As you might guess, the answers to these questions aren’t rules, they are based on needs met and risked.

Let’s first distinguish what is honesty. 

People confuse their strong opinions, beliefs and experiences with honesty.  I get a bit nervous when I hear people say, ‘I want to share my truth.’  My first thought is, ‘oh no!’  People usually follow up with their thoughts, opinions and assessments of whatever it is, as the truth.  Meaning they believe that what they think is the truth of the situation and they are just being honest.  Rather than sharing their opinion of the facts, alongside curiosity of what others’ opinions are as well.  This most often leads to ongoing disagreement and arguments.

The honesty I am referring to is very specific.  Sharing what happened, how you feel and why —meaning what needs are you celebrating being met or longing for because of what happened.

There are implicit and explicit agreements you make if you ask your partner or friends for honesty.  The agreement is that you will receive what they say with gratitude (at very least) since they have responded to a request you made.  That is often challenging for many of us.  For a few reasons.  One is that the other person may confuse sharing their thoughts (beliefs) as the truth—like I just described and you are not in agreement with them.  This leads to a defensive or corrective reply creating more distance and pain.  Another reason is they may say something you actually don’t like hearing.  Unless you have the capacity to separate out the need for honesty —feeling happy that you have that, from your own distress at the actual content and share your feelings at another time, then asking for honesty is more nuanced or ‘qualified’ in as you ask for it.

Honesty.  Even if you value it as a need and you consider it essential to cultivate it in your relationships, consider how it fits in to your relationships.  Do you share absolutely everything?  Do you want your friends and family and partner(s) to share absolutely everything?  I think it just isn’t possible. 

Here are some helpful hints about how to navigate honesty in your relationship.

1. Consider what needs are met (your own, certainly and the cost to the other person), by what you want to share.
2.  When speaking up about something, remember to share what’s in your heart—rather than your thoughts.  How you feel and what’s important to you (needs).
3.  If you are stuck in your thoughts, either receive empathy from another and then come back to the situation and share what your needs were at the time; or ask your friend for empathy in the moment.
4.  When someone shares honestly with you, remember to respond first with thank you.  Let them know you are happy to receive their gift of honesty; even if you feel something other than delighted about the content of what they shared.
5.  After you offer your gratitude for the need met, you can explore what the needs are contributing to the distress you feel about the content.  At some point, go ahead and share how you feel and why about what they shared (being honest right back)
6.  Before you move ahead with #5 above, check in to see if you are able to share your feelings and needs with curiosity and care.  Be mindful of the impact of what you are about to do.  Will it generate connection and understanding?  Is that what you are hoping for (at least partly?)  Will what you are about to say or do indicate that you also about the needs of your friend?  Remember, one of the core values of nonviolent communication is that we care about everyone’s needs being met equally.  Often when we are upset, we can easily forget considering how our actions impact the other.  This is when slowing it all down is key.  Take a breath.  Be mindful of all this as you make your choice to speak up, and what you actually say.  Then take another breath.