How to Have a Happy Holiday Season
Some people just love the holidays. Family gatherings are a delight. The hustle-bustle of the time is energizing. It’s all a love fest!
And then there are those who experience varying levels of distress about where to go, navigating dietary restrictions and fielding questions they’d rather not answer from people they haven’t seen since last year when they asked the same questions. Not to mention, who do you buy gifts for? How much should you spend? When do I get to stop buying presents for people who I only buy for because ‘that’s what we do’, rather than this is a person who I really want to share a gift with?
For some, the holidays are not a delight.
If you are in the first category, then maybe find something else to read. If you are in the second category, I offer you some tips!
Perhaps you have invitations from friends (or partner’s family) and you prefer to go there, yet you have always gone to your family’s house. How do you navigate a new holiday situation with the least amount of distress?
1. Negotiate the change early. While you might be tempted to put it off because you anticipate an awful conversation, having it early benefits everyone. It gives your family time to feel their feelings and find acceptance. It also gives you all time to find another way (or another time) to celebrate together.
2. Listen for the needs of the person you are negotiating with and offer empathy. Of course they want you with them, for all kinds of reasons: belonging, to matter, family bonds, consistency, connection. Speak to those things, and how they do get met, yet this year, not by participating in the family dinner.
3. Ask them clearly and directly if they might also celebrate that you have a new experience you are looking forward to. The more directly (without snark!) you ask them for empathy, the more they might be able to find a way out of their own distress and celebrate with you. If they say yes, even if they have their own snark, thank them!!! It's a start.
4. Thank them for saying yes! Let them know how much their blessing means to you. It might be difficult for all, and the more you can look for ways to find connection in the interaction, and express it, the more those needs will be met.
If you are in the situation where you go to the family dinner yet find yourself fielding questions you prefer not to, here are a few tips!
1. Be direct, honest and compassionate. Acknowledge the question and let the person know that you prefer not to head in the direction of that conversation. Resist your urge to tell them how wrong (insensitive, annoying, inappropriate) they are for asking. The reason you are upset, is really more about you than them —thinking you don’t have the freedom, or autonomy or choice to say no with grace. So do just that. “I prefer not to talk about that Aunt Betty, what else do you want to chat with me about?”
2. There is only one tip!
Perhaps you have dietary restrictions. Having been on both sides of this, meaning I was vegan for years and years before I hosted, and now I host many dinners of my own and have friends, some who are vegan, some who are keto or gluten-free, or vegetarian (not vegan). It can be rough. Here are some suggestions to help you navigate this.
1. As a host, you can offer your guests what your menu is when you send out the invitations. I tend to try to have one substantial vegan offering, and one substantial no gluten offering. And sometimes I just don’t make that happen. You can invite your friends to bring a dish that they would absolutely love to eat (either to share or not) so they will be happy to join your gathering and you will be certain that they have something to eat, without having to cook more or different things than you want to.
2. As a guest, you likely know what I am going to say already. I would refrain from asking them what they are serving, and begin with an offering. Saying something like, “I have a dietary concern so I would love to bring a dish (let them know if you will bring enough to share or not), so that you can make the meal without concern for shifting or changing your menu for me. Am I welcome to bring something?” This alleviates any pressure on the host to change up what they want to make, or decide what the menu is before they are ready. It also serves as an invitation for them to share what they are planning, if they know already.
Now, let’s tackle the gift conversation.
There are lots of reasons why you may want to change the current expectation.
1. You hardly ever see the people you are buying gifts for and it has little meaning for you at this point.
2. Your sibling’s kids are now young adults and it seems like the gift-giving thing isn’t as personal or fun like when they were young.
3. Your siblings have a bunch of kids, and you have none. It is getting significantly pricey for you to spend the money and it really isn’t balanced financially.
4. You are wanting to be frugal (for any number of reasons)
5. What else?
As you might imagine, I think direct and honest communication is required for you to create a shift in these dynamics. The first step being knowing the need(s) behind your request for a change. This will allow you a sense of calm, knowing there is more than one strategy to meet your needs. People often get stuck in ‘we have to do it this way’, without giving themselves the freedom to explore all the ways their needs will or can get met.
1. You hardly ever see the people you are buying gifts for and it has little meaning for you at this point.
Perhaps your story about buying gifts for people you no longer are very close with, just because you have always done it, or ‘they are family’ is stressful. You don’t like shopping during the holidays. You have no idea what the people you are buying for would really enjoy. You are concerned that the present you buy will get re-gifted or given away. And, given this, since gifts are pretty pricey these days, you prefer to spend your money elsewhere. Yet, you do enjoy connecting with these relatives once or twice a year, want to be welcome and don’t want to lose connection with them. If this is the case, I imagine the needs behind these thoughts are for choice, meaning and purpose, financial security, ease, and connection.
Here’s a tip:
Let your family know what’s going on. Use the words closely as it is written above. Perhaps someone (or many) of the others are actually thinking the same, yet no one wants to be the one to say it. Then offer some suggestions. Here are a few that might be satisfying for everyone:
1. Let’s all pick one charity together that we give to. This can invite more conversation amongst the group, creating an opportunity to get to know each other in deeper ways, hearing who they want to support and why? Together as a group you can give a larger amount. Or you can each give smaller amounts to one of the charities on the list.
2. How about a Pollyanna. Each person’s name goes into a hat. Included on the sheet with the name are some gifts they would love to receive including why they want to receive it. Giving everyone an opportunity to share a bit about what’s going on in their lives. You know the rest. Each person then only has one gift to purchase, and it might be fun, knowing how you are actually contributing to their lives. Having certainty that they will enjoy what you purchase. To avoid the holiday shopping mayhem, maybe you do the sharing in September or over the summer, creating another tradition and opportunity to connect.
How about the next two on the list.
2. Your sibling’s kids are now young adults and it seems like the gift-giving thing isn’t as personal or fun like when they were young.
3. Your siblings have a bunch of kids, and you have none. It is getting significantly pricey for you to spend the money and it really isn’t balanced financially.
Once again, the suggestion is to speak up honestly and with care. Often, the needs of responsibility and belonging have waned and the dreaded obligation shows its ugly head. This might take a bit of consideration to parse out in your mind, and if you find yourself more and more resentful each year, likely you have crossed that line. All there is to say here is the truth. I enjoyed buying your kids gifts when they were young, because it was fun to watch them open them, etc. Now, I find myself less enthusiastic about the prospect for a few reasons. One is that they aren’t kids any longer. Another is that it gets a bit expensive for me to buy individual gifts for all of your kids.
Maybe make the suggestions above about Pollyanna, or giving together to a charity? That way you communicate that you want the family to be together, meeting needs of belonging and connection without such a cost to your needs of meaning and purpose, and financial security.
One final tip. Possibly the most important.
Take responsibility for how you feel and what you do. It is so easy to say yes when we mean no and then blame the others for it. You are giving up your power. When you take your power back with joy, and remember your freedom to choose what you say yes to, inside the context of care, your conversations could be interesting and connecting.