A Pile of Bricks
About a month ago, I posted on my neighborhood facebook page asking folks to be on the lookout some bricks (for a garden project). I received a few responses leading me to a robust pile of bricks. There generally is demolition/building happening close by, so it is relatively easy to find these piles. I went a grabbed a bunch, even though they were the kind with three holes and I was looking for solid bricks for a particular project and look in mind. I might be a bit of a brick hoarder. Unsure. They seem so necessary to have on hand.
A week or so later, a friend and neighbor posted a picture of a pile of bricks that she dug up in her garden remembering that someone asked. I let her know it was me, we set up a time to make the exchange. Another neighbor offered to take me to the pile, help me load them up at her place and unload them at mine. One of the perks of living where I do is lots of neighbors know each other and show up to help each other out. Thank you to Frank!
Arriving home and savoring my neatly piled bricks, I took a photo.
What struck me, as I considered the brick piles was that my friend’s picture of the pile of bricks and my picture of the pile of bricks looked almost identical. Yet our experience of the bricks was quite different. She might describe them as a nuisance, a source of distress because they were difficult to remove. I experienced the pile as a resource and source of creativity. All of this is just backstory to lead you to my point.
Which is observations. Obviously.
This seems like a wonderful opportunity to offer a clear explanation and straightforward, simple example of what we mean by observation in the Nonviolent Communication world.
Observations are distinguished from the assessments or any meaning we add to what we see or hear. The benefit of being able to offer a clear observation is that it can be a reliable way to find connection when talking about difficult topics. If you add your interpretation of a thing and share it as what actually happened, likely you will get caught up in a discussion of your interpretation, possibly never getting to the point you were hoping to make which is how you felt about what happened and why.
Bricks are bricks
Weather is weather
Tennis is tennis
You may or may not like something, which doesn’t mean anything really. My friend prefers winter. I enjoy summer. Neither is actually better than the other. We can get into a bit of trouble when we believe the thing, idea, behavior we like is the better one, or the right one. Why? Because it just isn’t true. [yes, including all the extreme cases you might throw at me, or that we might all agree on]. If I am wanting mutual understanding, intimacy, connection, clarity or shared reality, there is no benefit of me trying to convince my friend that summer is better. I like tennis. My partner likes football. Is one inherently better? No. Why try to convince him to like tennis more. It just isn’t going to work. I might enjoy talking with him about football because he gets such a kick out of it and I enjoy him having fun. Still, I am not likely to watch a game, or get caught up in the stats.
We could argue all day every day that my (or your) thing, idea or conclusion is better than the other resulting losing our connection and joy. It isn’t the conversation we want to have.
While these examples may seem silly, in real life it matters a good deal.
Perhaps you have heard –or said, something like, “I can’t believe you betrayed my trust”, or “Last night at the party when you abandoned me for two hours”, or “Stop annoying me with all your questions.” Or, “You really shouldn’t eat that because this other thing is much better for you.” [Take a look at this information sheet on Thought Feelings].
Are any of these sentences sharing an observation? Nope.
Consider sharing what the person actually said or did. The actual observation.
“When Bob told me that you told him about my problem at work.” That’s an observation. Bob told me ….
“When you went out with your friends to grab some beers and it took two hours.” That’s an observation (if you actually looked at the time).
“When you ask me 3 questions in a row before I get a chance to answer them”. This is more of an observation.
“When I see you eating vegan food on the daily, I get concerned given what I’ve been reading lately. Would you be interested in my take on this?” Note: This example includes my feelings and my connection request.
What you say matters if the purpose of your communication is to create more understanding and connection. If you just want the other person to agree that they were wrong and shouldn’t have done what they did, the first approach might work. It will, however, contribute to resentment, resignation and disconnection. Even if they agree that they were wrong.
Learning the difference between what you saw or heard and what you made it mean (evaluation of the facts) might make all the difference in the quality of your relationships. When I teach workshops, and we practice, we find out just how elusive the simple observation might be.
It will be easier to uncover the feelings that are stimulated by what happened (yours and the other person’s) when you report the facts. Which in my original example is a pile of bricks. The feelings you have regarding the what is might be wildly different than the person’s you are navigating the conversation with. When you are curious, rather than finding yourself in judgement of the other person’s feelings, the conversation can continue into what needs are alive for each of you. And, as you possibly already know, once you connect to the needs, you can begin to strategize --ask for and offer a few ways that all the needs can get met.
For those of you who think this kind of ‘processing’ takes longer, or isn’t worth it for some reason, I encourage to try this for a month. I’m guessing that when you actually get this, and do this, your conversations will be productive, more enjoyable or at very least more interesting. And in all likelihood will actually save you a great deal of time while generating the connection that you are hoping for.