What if They Don't Know NVC?

I don’t have a chart where I actually keep track, and I would easily guess that this is the question that I am asked most often.  What if my partner, friend, mom, person out there in the world, doesn’t learn this NVC. 

My answer consistently is:  It doesn’t matter.

How can this be?

One of the most common misunderstandings about Nonviolent Communication is that it is about keeping people together.  Couples in particular hope for this. 

It just isn’t true. 

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is mostly about self-awareness.  The side benefit of course is that you will be able to share what you discover about yourself with others in a way that mostly likely will invite curiosity and care.  Meaning, if there is a possibility that a couple (of people —whatever the relationship) will want to spend time together, this is the way.  Yet, it isn’t the point. 

Using the structure of observations, feelings, needs and requests in the context of curiosity, honesty and compassion will create the container and confidence for people to determine what is the best relationship they want to have given what they know about themselves and the other(s).  Hopefully, without blame or wrong-making. 

What most people mean when they ask me is this:  “Please help me keep my relationship in tact.  I am afraid of losing this person” (even if the relationship has been unsatisfying for years and years). 

I understand this.  Relationships, even when they are messy and uncomfortable have meaning to us and we stay in them for years —for all kinds of reasons.  Often people are very unhappy in their relationship and want the other person to change just enough that they can enjoy it more. We are trained up from a very young age, that staying together is the best option no matter what.  So anything different than that seems ‘bad’ or labeled as failure.  Add that to wanting to avoid conflict, having very few skills to navigate years of built up confusion and resentment and wanting it all to be easily remedied, if their other person doesn’t know NVC or want to learn, it lets them off the hook of taking bold steps in acknowledging that its time for an exploration of wanting something (someone) different.

My encouragement is to turn this narrative on its head.  If it seems like the relationship needs to change agreements and/or parameters, then celebrate.  Honor what needs have gotten met in the time you spent together, find the gratitude for the learning, for what you shared with each other, and mourn the loss of the dream of what you thought possible and hoped for.  It might help in some cases, to add some grey to the black and white thinking of all or nothing.  Maybe a new kind of relationship would be just perfect?

Anyone can learn NVC.  Anyone can become interested in deep intimacy.  If your person isn’t excited about this and it is truly what you long for in partner relationship, then ask them directly.  I am interested in this.  When you hear me say it, do you feel excited?  Nervous?  Is it something you are interested in as well?  Likely if you are entering into a new relationship, the person will say yes.  Even if they don’t quite understand what it means, or exactly what you mean.  That part is now up to you (both).  Yet especially you.  Are you showing up and saying and doing things that create the condition that you are asking for? 

Your job now is to recognize when your partner person is or isn’t responding as you hoped.  If they are, then fantastic.  If they aren’t, your work is to become as creative as you can in inviting this experience with the other.  Are you saying what’s true?  Are you curious?  Are you asking questions that indeed create intimacy and listening for how they are or are not responding?  Are you able to navigate the intimacy in another way?  And if your needs aren’t getting met, then again, it is your work to bless this person who isn’t able/willing/actually interested in creating a relationship that you are hoping for, even though they say they are.  Are you willing to hold them dear (rather than as a problem) and choose someone else for the role they currently have in your life?

This is the nuanced and deep work of NVC.  Are you able to ask for what you want, invite it as best as you can and not hold the other accountable to meet your needs?  It isn’t their job.  It is yours.

An example that might be easy to understand:  You absolutely want to have children and you meet someone who is just wonderful and they absolutely don’t want kids.  Do you move forward into that relationship?  What happens two years in?  Are you mad, over and over because it is so great and the person is the perfect partner in so many ways, yet your clock is ticking and they haven’t changed their mind.  The relationship is now full of tension and resentment and possibly you blame the other person. Had you listened with curiosity, accepted what was so, you might have entered into a different kind of relationship with this person so you could enjoy the aspects you appreciated so much, while finding the person who would possibly have the same needs of family and belonging as you for your partnership.

Here’s another example:  You are opening a business with a few partners.  No one has experience in bookkeeping and you ask Sally to handle the books.  Sally has a degree in fine arts and makes the most amazing ceramic pieces you have ever seen.  Sally says yes reluctantly because there really isn’t enough money at this point to hire someone with the skills to meet your organizational needs.  8 months in you discover the books are a mess.  You have no reconciled bank statements, which didn’t matter in the beginning because there was a good deal of funding in the account.  Now it does matter because those funds are dwindling.  In this case, better listening could have prevented this awkward situation.  You are mad at Sally because ‘she let this happen’, and maybe she really didn’t have the skills to know there was even a problem with the books?  Perhaps a short-term agreement about handling the books, with monthly check ins with Sally as they communicated their reluctance based on knowing their own skills would have been an approach that met everyone’s needs more effectively.

These two examples are meant to illustrate that in all cases, it is in your best interest to listen well —to yourself and the other(s), and take responsibility for your needs being met.  Making agreements and asking people to do things is perfect.  And, (this is key!!) keeping track on your end.  They may think they are meeting the needs by what they are doing.  It is your job to speak up and navigate this over and over.  THIS is NVC.  If you know it, (and apply the skills) then likely you will be making more effective choices in all aspects of your life.

Back to the question at hand, what if they don’t know NVC? 

It depends. 

Do you? 

Are you willing to fully be responsible for your feelings and meeting your needs?  Are you asking what you want, seeing the other’s humanness when they do things you don’t like, dropping out of blame and shame, sharing openly and honestly, listening with curiosity, offering solutions that you think will meet everyone’s needs?  And then choosing who you want in your life and how you want to weave them in?

If you are doing these things consistently, then it really doesn’t matter what they are doing for you to create the relationships that you enjoy.