Everyday Sacred

A friend of mine was using the space downstairs last week.  We met to set up the music situation and he said to me, I don’t want to put my computer on your altar.  I understood what he meant, we put the computer (which connected to the speakers) on the bottom shelf and everything worked perfectly.

At the time I realized that I had a different perspective.  

I consider my entire house, indoors and outdoors as an altar.  Every square inch…the floors, the bathroom tiles, various shelves, windowsills, the art, really everything.  If you know me personally, you might attest that this is not hyperbole, I like my stuff.  [okay, there may be a few things in the basement, that I’m not exactly sure what they even are, yet it is on my list to do to ask someone.]  How I determine where to put things depends on aesthetics and ease of use.  Everything in my place is sacred to me.  In fact, everything in my life —including my relationships, is sacred.  Marie Kondo on steroids.  And why not?

Years ago when Janell Wysock and I ran the bookclub workshops on The Magical Art of Tidying Up (a popular book written by Marie Kondo), it became instantly clear to me that the quality of our lives, depends on us asking the two questions, “Do I love this?” and “Is it practical?”  I remember the resistance we heard back then.  People suggesting that looking at every single thing they owned (including the basement) was superfluous, ridiculous.  After doing it myself, over and over, I disagree.  Why would you want anything in your home that you don’t love or has practical value? 

Here we go, let’s take this one step further.

Why would you want any relationship in your life that you don’t love or you don’t see the value (practical)?

I am not suggesting you dump all the people that you complain about.  I am suggesting that you ask the questions, “Do I love them?”, and “Are they practical?”  Said another way… “What needs are met inside the relationship with this person?”

This process allows for more joy.  If you know exactly why you are choosing a relationship, you will be able to connect to the needs as a touchstone, over and over, determining whether or not the relationship requires some shifting, or is perfect just the way it is.  And…you will know why.  You will know the needs that are in question, making it easy to navigate what you want to ask for.  Efficient.  No drama. 

Here’s an example:  My relationship with my mom in my adult life had its fair share of struggles.  Fraught with drama and complaining, blaming and disappointment.  When I asked myself the clear and simple question, “Do I love her?” and “What needs get met by having this relationship?” it became crystal clear that the answer to question #1 was yes.  The answer to question #2 was belonging, respect, and care.  Once I had those touchstones to connect with and be committed to, what my mom and I did together was quite different than the years prior, when I doing stuff with her because I thought (and she agreed) that I should.  It really was a miraculous shift that took place.  The quality of our relationship was good.  Really good.  I made our relationship sacred.  It makes a difference to me now because my mom passed away a few years after this shift, and while I have regret about how her life went for many years, I take great solace in the fact that we were good when she died.  

Not all relationships are that challenging.  

If you aren’t able to identify the needs met, then possibly release this person so you both may find a relationships that are a better match. Everyone is held as sacred in this process.  Again, no drama necessary.   

Here’s an example:  I hired a person to help me keep my place clean.  The cleaning product that brings me joy is vinegar mixed with water and a drop of dish soap.  This person enjoyed using her own “natural” products.  I asked for the switch. She remained confident that her products were natural and good for the wood floors, etc.  I didn’t enjoy the smell of the ‘natural’ products, and over time, a few other challenges arose.  I really liked her and referred her to others that enjoyed the smells etc.  I found someone else to help me with my place.  I wouldn’t necessarily say it was easy, yet there were no hurt feelings and definitely no drama.  Just care and honesty.  

Just like in my home, where everything is sacred, so are my relationships —everyone is sacred.  I am clear about why people are in my life. I know how they serve the needs that are my touchstones for a happy life.  Everyone.  Including the neighbors, the contractors, the delivery people, and the people who serve me in restaurants and the shopping places I go. In the moments when I am challenged by something someone says or does, I remain connected to the value they bring to my life.  And that brings me joy.

Everyday (and Everyone) Sacred.